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Pain Transfer
A happily married couple having their first baby was invited to make use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pains to the baby’s biological father wherever he may be.
Both were happy to try it. The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing. So the doctor increased it to 20 percent.
The father said he still felt fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick it up to 50 percent. Still there was no reaction.
The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband and the doctor were ecstatic.
When they got home, the gardener was lying almost dead at the gate.
Source: http://www.cargoinfo.co.za/newsdetails.asp?&newsid=10744
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Since it has been St Patrick’s Day a couple of days ago…
An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn’t real she protested vehemently about his cheapness. He explained that in honour of Saint Patrick’s Day, he had picked her a sham rock.
Source: http://www.cargoinfo.co.za/newsdetails.asp?&newsid=10693
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Pregnant Sheep
A Kiwi buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination he farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. “Try again.” he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.”
Source: Unknown
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HR Heaven and Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we’re not really
sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to,”
replied St. Peter, “but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,”
said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. “So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you’re staff…”
Source: www.jokeaday.com
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TWISTED FAIRY TALES
PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How’s the girlfriend?”
Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend?”
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees.
“What’s the second condition?”
“You must be home by 12 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 12 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
“Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”
“I can’t remember, exactly… Peter Peter, something or other…”
MICKEY MOUSE
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, “You say here that your wife is crazy.”
Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s f**king Goofy.”
SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”
RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to screw your brains out!”
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a.44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, “No you’re not! You’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book!”
**Oh, by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?**
